Dreamless

       For over a month now, I have not remembered a single dream. At most, I may have a vague hunch about the topic presented subconsciously while I slept, but that’s it. Perhaps, to you, this might not sound strange, but for me, dreams are just as much a part of my reality as, well, reality is. They are how I process and make sense of the world. I thought dreams would guide me through this experience, just like the brought me here. But lately, they just seem to slip through my finger-tips, and it leaves me feeling a little lost. 

       Just now, I lit a candle to help me ponder why, this month in particular, I can’t remember my dreams. I have a little clay bowl next to my candle, in which I put my used match sticks in. Well, the pyro in me couldn’t resist setting a lit match into the pile of tiny sticks to make my own miniature camp fire. I was very excited about this, until it I realized it was getting a little too big for comfort. It was getting slightly out of control, making sparks and cracking noises, so in a mild panic I quickly blew it out. As the flames disappeared and smoke arose from the ashes, so did insight about my dream quandary. I’ve had too many matches going at once.

       Since starting work, I have enthusiastically said yes to every opportunity to help. I am currently a Researcher, Fundraiser, English Teacher, Event Planner, Social Activist, Nurse, Social Anthropologist, Fly on the Wall, Proposal Writer, Student, Consultant, Baby Sitter, and of course, Activities Coordinator. On top of all that, I am walking the tight rope of slightly confusing, sometimes lonely, cross cultural living. While I absolutely love my work and my colleagues, everything is escalating so quickly and I am starting to feel a bit tired. No longer have I been able to reflect on a single candle flame, instead, I am too focused on how to keep my pile of burning matches under control. My subconscious brain can’t get through to me under such pressure and distraction. 

       So I think what my subconscious needs, is for me to shorten my “to do” list, and especially shorten my stress-inducing “should do” list. I need to blow out a few matches in order be rejuvenated by the fire, instead of stressed out by it. This advent season, I want to wake up in the morning with enough clarity and ease, to let whatever the Divine and my subconscious came up with over night, to sink in and guide me through my days once again.